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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
11:37 am - When it Rains, It Pours
Well,
My Grandmother may have suffered a heart attack, they werent sure. She was in ICU and not doing well so they took her to surgery for an aneurysm. I just found out this morning that she came out of the surgery okay, but that she is really sick.

In addition to that, Chris broke up with me two nights ago (the 9th) because his Mom doesnt like me. That is the only reason. I have never felt so rejected and helpless in my life. Not only am I being rejected by him, but by his mother too. I have never had an adult not like me before. I dont know how to handle it. And of all the adults to not like me, it has to be the mother of a guy who values his Mom's opinion over anything. I just....I hate to admit it, but I thought he was it. I've never met anyone so perfect for me. And to make things worse, he's not showing any emotion at all. It doesnt seem like its affecting him at all. It seems like he is going to go on with his life like nothing changed or happened. I feel like he's not going to think about me at all or miss me or anything. He wants me to stay in his life and still be friends and hang out, but I dont understand how to interact with him without it hurting that we cannot be together. He said he would have no problem doing it. There's nothing worse than loving someone so much and thinking they love you back and then seeing through their actions that it doesnt appear that way at all. I mean, when I ask him he says he does, and I know he's not the kind of person who shows emotions, but it just kills me inside. I know time will heal everything, but in the beginning each day is worse than the next. Yesterday was awful and today I feel even worse. I have never been in a break-up where I was competely helpless. I know that things didnt work out for a reason and obviously he wasnt the one for me, but it just felt so right.....bleh...I'm incredibly upset about this. It would make things so much better if I felt like he actually cared and didnt want it to be like this....I really do love him...

current mood: incredibly sad, hurt, helpless

(5 beats | beat on the drum)

Monday, July 8th, 2002
1:28 pm
Quote of the Day: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
Countdown Till My 21st Birthday: 58 Days

Hola,
Well, I'm definetly Jack today. I have my usual 60 million hours of class and the stupid goons at Target scheduled me to work on Monday again (even though I've told them twice that I can't work on Mondays) and since I bailed out last Monday, one of the sups asked me to please come in whenever I could. So, me being the nice person I am, said yes. Which was a mistake cuz I still haven't finished my lesson plan for the juvies tomorrow and I've been in class all freakin' day (with more to go). Needless to say I'm not a very happy camper right now.
I must say I've been doing very well on keeping up with this thing. July 4th was pretty uneventful. I actually wrote a whole entry on it, but got distracted, forgot about it and then had to restart my computer. So this will be more of an abbreviated version. I had to work most of the day, got off around 6pm and went to Chris' golf course for a pool party. He was already pretty drunk, so we just hung out there and drank and I met some people he works with and stuff. After it was over, he was hungry and wanted to get food, but he was wasted and I didnt want him driving. I should not have been driving either, but I was the lesser of two evils I suppose. We finished eating and I took him back to his car and he speeds off home and I dont know where I am (cuz his golf course is in the middle of nowhere) or where to go. I'm drunk and being stupid and irrational, so this pisses me off to no end. I call him and I'm like "thanks for speeding off and now I dont know where I am, blah blah blah." Right as he's about to tell me to pull over and he'll come and get me, I hang up on him. Now, earlier in the week, we had a conversation about that cuz my old boyfriends and I used to do it everytime we fought and it drove me insane. But of course, stupid me goes and does it. He calls me back to confirm that I did which I probably could have covered up, but I wanted him to know. As you can imagine, his response is to then hang up on me. So now I'm drunk, livid, lost, and freaking out cuz I know he's really pissed at me. I pass a landmark that's close to his house so I make my way over there because I feel like I need to get off the road.
I got there before he did and waited outside for him. He comes upstairs and he is furious. This is the maddest I've ever seen him. He tells me I cannot come inside and to go home, and I told him I did not want to be driving. He lets me in and tells me I have to sleep on the couch and I'm apologizing profusely since I was clearly wrong and being stupid. He has no response to anything I'm saying cuz he's so pissed. He goes to bed mad, which drives me insane. I had the worst night, I didnt sleep a wink (I did sleep in the bed, for the record...nobody makes Stephanie sleep on a couch). The next morning he holds his position with still being angry so I trudge on home cuz I was planning on driving to Tampa for an eye appt. I was tired, and I had a project to finish and I just didnt feel like driving all that in one day. So I call my Mom and she agrees.
I go off to run some errands and Chris calls me from his cell phone which is odd cuz he was at work. Well, he got fired (he wasnt mad at me anymore...hehe). There's a bunch of shit that led up to this that I don't have the time, energy or desire to explain, but it basically boils down to the fact that this idiot doesnt like Chris and was looking for some sort of excuse to get rid of him. He didnt actually do anything wrong. We dont know who's going to run the place now since they're getting rid of everyone who knows how to do anything. But anyway, his parents had just gotten to town to we finished up our shit and met to drive to see them.
As I may or may not have told you, his parents are both retired so they sold their house, bought an RV and now they're traveling the country. Pretty neat, huh? They are from SoFla, so they just started their trip about 2 weeks ago. Now they're here for a few days. They are awesome. I had already heard from everyone how cool they are and I was excited (maybe a little nervous) to find out for myself. We chilled at the RV for a bit and then went to this cute little restaurant for dinner. It was really nice. They were really friendly and we talked a lot. We went back to Chris' and they took his parents' old TV upstairs (38" flat screen....NICE) and then left. Chris and I rented a movie and layed around like lazy old people.
I had to work the next day and Chris and his Dad were playing golf, and his Mom was cleaning and stuff. I got off work early and ran some errands then we grilled steaks and scallops and had baked potatos...it was good stuff. I have a lot of fun with them, we're like a little family. They left and we went to Sidebar with some of his friends. I have to say thats one of the best times I've ever had with him. He was being so cute the whole time and we were just talking and saying cute things to each other and he's once again so generous with me and buys me drinks without me even having to ask. Apparently there was some guy staring at me, which I didnt notice, and kind of giving Chris dirty looks or something, I dunno. Anyway, at the end when we were inside, this guy was looking straight at my ass and just would not take his eyes off me (big surprise...hehe). I went to give Chris a hug and the kid gave him a dirty look or something. So Chris doesnt stop talking about it the rest of the night. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen, how protective he got. I love it. Alright, Nicole is making me leave cuz we have to get to class. Yesterday me and his family went to KFC and then chilled a bit, I studied, then bed, now you're updated. And Su's coming back this WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!! Okie dokie, peace out.

current mood: blah

(beat on the drum)

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
6:35 pm
Quote of the Day: "Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels really good until you realize you're just fucking yourself."

Whoa! Three entries in three days! What's happening. I guess I'm allowing for more procrastination in the second half of the semester. So last night Mandie and I get totally wasted. We drank a whole bottle of our little raspberry vodka. I made a new journal friend. Hey there FreakNeedle!! Anyway, we went to Plasma and the guy let me in as 21 which was really cool, but I was too drunk to drink more, so it was kind of a waste. They were playing some pretty cool music so I had fun dancing around even though there was like no one there. I got water at one point and ended up spilling it all over my leg, dont ask me how. Then we left and headed over to Taco Bell. The Taco Bell on University must get more business than any Taco Bell in America. It could not be in a better place. I bet 50% of people leaving clubs stop there. Grilled Stuft Burrito....heaven in a tortilla. Then we called Maury and he was at the gas station next to the one where we were so we went over to his house and chilled there for about 5 mins. I saw Gavin and Craig again. That was interesting. Gavin called me later, I dont know how he still has my numbers memorized. We headed back over to Mandie's and the rest is pretty must history. I woke up like a good girl and taught the juvies about STD's today. Then we had to go to Micanopy to do our stupid community assessment shit. I layed out for a bit and got a tiny bit of color...better than nothing. Mandie and I went to lunch and then I went to the library to work on my paperwork. We're gonna work out too...what a productive day. I'm exhausted though cuz I only got 4 hours of sleep. I'm going to sleep well tonight.

It is so awesome hanging out with Mandie again. I hadnt really hung out with her in like over a week and I was starting to go through withdrawals. We always cross all sorts of borders and limits. And Su is coming back soon. SUHAIB I MISS YOU!!! I'll give you a camel if you come back! Hehe. Alright, I need to go do some work. Peace out.

current mood: tired

(6 beats | beat on the drum)

Monday, July 1st, 2002
1:18 pm - Thoughts
Wow, two journal entries in two days...impressive. I'm in between classes and should be doing some school work, but I want to vent a little bit since there's something thats been weighing on my mind pretty heavily the past couple days. I attribute it all to my Mom since she pounded it into my head while I was at home. As much as I try not to let some things she says bother me, I always end up thinking about them more than I should.

So, Chris is leaving in probably less than two months cuz he needs to get onto this golf thing and since G-ville doesnt exactly have the best market, he can't stay here. He's not done with school yet, and he still has like 12 credit hours to go, but the golf thing is more important (obviously) so he plans on finishing is degree wherever he goes. As much as I know thats a good decision, and speaking at this point from an unbiased opinion, if I had worked hard at such a good university, I dont think I could transfer to one that was substandard to actually finish my degree in. If I went to UF for x amount of years, my degree better say UF on it.

But thats obviously not the meat of what's bothering me. My Mom repeated so many times that he was leaving and he's not going to sit around and wait for me so I shouldnt get too emotionally involved. Up until this point, I commend myself for how well I have been handling that piece of information. I remember when Dave and I first got together, he was supposed to leave in December (we got together in Sept.) and that was all I ever talked about. Whats going to happen, etc, etc. He didnt end up leaving, so it wasnt anything we had to deal with. Of course I've done the long distance thing before, and it really wasnt too bad. So I know that I wouldnt have a problem handling it. I've tried to keep my feelings to myself on this because I felt that if I brought it up I would look not only immature but presumptuous as well. I did ask about it once cuz I was really quiet and he asked me what I was thinking about. He very much brushed it off and said we'd cross that bridge when we come to it and no one knows the future. Which was the answer I was expecting. So I pushed it to the back of my mind again and its only resurfaced because of my Mom.

I dont really know what answer I'm looking for because I guess neither of us really knows what our relationship will be at that point. But if things keep progressing the way they are now, I know that if he decides he doesnt want to stay with me it will absolutely crush me. And I know that he didnt stay with his high school girlfriend who he was with for like 3 years because he was moving away to college. We havent even been together for 3 months, so based on that, the prospects dont look hopeful. At the same time, if he knows that he's probably going to move on when he leaves, there's a part of me that would rather not know, because of course things would not be the same from that point on. I know that I would not be able to hang out with him that much, if even at all, because I would know that in a month or two I would have to get over him anyway. And at this point, I cannot imagine my life without him. He brings me so much joy and really motivates me to be a better person. He has been the best influence I have ever had. The only thing I think about all day is when I get to see him again and all the things I want to tell him. When I get a test grade back or anything significant happens during the day, the first thing that pops into my head is "I cant wait to tell Chris." So maybe he's making the right decision keeping me in the dark about what he is thinking about doing in the future, if he has even thought about it at all. But unfortunately, now there is a part of me that is going to be holding me back emotionally because of the risk of that incredible blow that might hit me in the future. I really wish my Mom hadnt brought it up so many times. I am at ends with myself on what to do, whether to let everything go like I have been up to this point and give all of my heart to him, which he pretty much has anyway, or to start preparing myself for what is to come. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? Or I guess the better question is, why do I have to make everything so damn complicated. Why can't we just finish at the same time and we'll still be together and everything will be perfect and wonderful just like a fairy tale. Why did my Mom have to mention this sixteen thousand times and make me so conscious of it. Ugh.

current mood: worried

(beat on the drum)

Sunday, June 30th, 2002
1:54 pm
Damn, its been over a month since I've written in this thing. I wish I had more time to embelish in fun things like this. Hmmmm, where to begin. I've been working and working and working some more. I dont mean working at Target, although I've been doing that also, but school work. I have class every single day, but I really am enjoying it. It makes such an incredible world of difference. I actually like paying attention in class. We had our midterms, and I got an 84 in Community which I wasnt happy with at all and I'm not sure why I did so badly. I got an 89 on my psych test, which is actually pretty awesome cuz no one gets an A in her class and thats kinda close. I'm really almost positive that I'm going to be a psych nurse when I'm done. I absolutely love it. But probably a child psych nurse cuz I still love those little buggers. We'll see...I dont need to make that decision just yet.
Things with Chris and I are amazing. Everyday he does something that leaves me in awe. I dont have the time nor the space to tell all the stories, but I'm sure I'll never forget them. We dont really get to see each other very much since I have school and work and he has work and golf. But its more of a "normal" (whatever that means) relationship than I have previously had. I think realistic is the better word. I spend the night there almost every night cuz thats the only real chance we get to see each other. And just laying there in bed with him not even saying anything or doing anything stirs up these feelings inside me. And on Saturdays he takes me out to dinner and then whatever else we want to do. He is so generous and I always have such a great time with him. We can always find something to discuss, and I absolutely love discussing things with him because he is so incredibly smart and it turns me on like crazy when we have intellectual conversations. We've been doing our thing for a tiny little bit over two months now and it just keeps getting better. I went to visit him at work for the first time and there's this old guy he works with who he has the utmost respect for and apparently he just loved me and that meant so much to Chris, and, in turn, meant a lot to me too. I dont know why, but it's a big deal to me that my boyfriend's friends and parents, etc like me. So that made me happy. We had our first fight and then another one after that, but neither of them were really of anything important and they got resolved fairly quickly. Two fights in two months is pretty good I think. He won't deal with stupid crap from me and I knew that before, but I guess it didn't sink in until he actually just wouldnt deal with it. Maybe I would be dumb before because I knew I could get attention from it and get away with it. It's different with Chris though. I think it's a respect issue too, I dunno. Anyway, he confessed that he loved me last week. I'm pretty sure it was last Saturday. I knew that I was in love with him because, well, obviously I could feel it, and it almost slipped out a couple times during the week. But of couse, he's the boy, so I couldnt be the one to say it first. We were laying in bed and I dont know why it occured to me to ask this, but I asked him if he could see himself falling in love with me. He had his back towards me and he turned around and said "can I" and I said yes. And he said "I already am." EEEEEKKKKK!!! I was so happy. It was the cutest thing ever. And he didnt tell me this but Mandie did...he really realized it when he went home and hung out with his ex-girlfriend and the only thing he thought about and the only thing he wanted to do was hang out with me, or something to that effect. So, yay, he loves me and he shows it all the time and I love him and sometimes it feels so strongly I want to burst. Yesterday was the day...he came to meet my parents. First of all ,the fact that he drove all that way just to hang out with my parents for like 7 hours is incredible. I had a feeling that they would like him cuz I know the kind of person they are looking for by now. The only thing my Mom kept saying was that he was going to have to be leaving soon so I shouldnt get too emotionally involved cuz he's not going to sit around and wait for me. I told her that I knew and had everything under control. He came up and we sat around and talked and ate a little bit then got ready for mass and went to eat and then our car wouldnt start and these really, really nice people jump started it for us. So we headed to mass and then Chris and I drove back together. He was completely himself and they really, really liked him. My Dad thought he was cool and my Mom said he has potential and that he's so much more mature than any other guy I've brought home and she said that if I was asking if he's a good candidate to pursue, the answer is yes. Later when I was telling Chris about it, he told me that if they didnt like him we were going to break up because he would never disrespect my parents like that. What guy does that? Very impressive. Last night was so cool. After we got back from Tampa, we just sat around and drank and we were both pretty open to doing something but we just sat around and enjoyed each others company and got drunk together. It was so awesome. We didnt even really watch TV or anything, we just talked. I love him!!!!
Suhaib's coming back soon, yay! I really do miss him. I know he's going to want to party his butt off when he gets back, and I'm not really going to be able to do that, but I'm going to try to keep up with him as much as possible. It's going to be fun, I know that much. I miss Mandie also cuz I havent really hung out with her in like a week or so. She coming back tomorrow and she said she's going on a date with the lawyer guy again, I'm not sure why, but I hope she doesnt so we can go to dinner. Lets see, I dont think I've left anything out of my little entry. Oh, the US did awesome in soccer this year, and I'm so proud of us. I know in the next world cup we're going to kick some ASSSSSS. I'm watching the final right now cuz I was too hung over to wake up at 6am to watch it this morning. I hope Brazil wins and all the Germans die. Hehe. Alright, I'm definetly going to try to write more cuz this is ridiculous. I'll make time dammit! Peace.

current mood: content

(beat on the drum)

Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
11:04 am
World Cup Countdown: 2 Days

Hola,
I have a little time in between classes again which seems to be the only time I can write in this thing. My weekend was relatively boring. I went to Simons on Friday to see Danny Howells. I bought this really cute shirt that I really like and when I was there the music was awesome. I was pretty drunk. Some guy from Target works the door to Plasma and I thought he recognized me cuz he called me over and gave me a bracelet which meant I could drink. It was cool, I cant wait till I turn 21 (3 more months!!!!). Turns out he didnt recognize me though, cuz when I said thanks at work, he was like, that was you?!? Still very cool. I left fairly early cuz I was feeling really drunk, my feet were hurting from my shoes, and I missed Chris. I'm so pathetic. While I was walking back to my car, a couple of cars pulled over and some guys were trying to talk to me or get me to come with them or something. I was kinda scared. But I made it okay. So I drive over to Chris' and I had my taco bell in my hand and everything and I get out of my car and clothes the door. Low and behold, my keys are sitting on my seat. I have never ever ever done that before and I always wonder what I would do when it finally happened. I stumble up the stairs and run in Chris' apt with an extremely distraught look on my face. Immediately, he's like, "what happened?" I told him and started freaking out cuz I didnt know what to do. So what does my boyfriend do? Without even blinking, he picks up the phone and calls AAA for me and gets it all worked out. I have no earthly idea what I would have done without him. I know it seems like a small stupid little thing, but that meant so much to me that he just took charge and got it fixed without me even having to ask or anything. The rest of the night consisted of me drinking more and listening to some girl babble about useless shit that I have no interest in. We finally went to bed around 6am andI woke up for work the next day like a good responsible little girl.
I worked all day and called Chris when I got home so I could meet up with him and his friends. Turns out he had invited this girl who really likes him and who has really liked him for a long time cuz she is always bugging him. They hooked up and stuff, but never got together cuz Chris said he had no interest in her other than physical. So before they're about to leave, he tells her that his girlfriend is going to be at the club. She FLIPS out. Starts asking how I'm better than her, just goes off completely. And any answer Chris tries to give her, she wont take. Finally he's like, this conversation is over and we're leaving now. She wouldnt leave. He's at his wits end so he goes to hug her in order to pull her out the door and she starts screaming and tells her that he's scaring her and stuff. She ends up backing herself up into his bathroom and hides IN HIS SHOWER for 45 mins. I get a call, he's like, Steph, she wont leave. PSYCHO! He threatens to call the cops, but that doesnt work. He tries everything and finally he actually does call the cops and I guess she realized it would be wise of her to leave. She ends up calling him on Monday at work saying they need to talk about things. He said "no we dont" and hung up on her. I have the feeling that I'm probably going to be hearing about her again or she might even decide to show up at Chris' apt one day which will be very funny. Can you believe that??? I guess it shows how irresistable my boyfriend is.
I worked all day Sunday too and got drunk again Sunday night at Chris'. Monday I just kinda layed around, Mandie and I ended up getting a little drunk (what a surprise) and hung out with Piv. He cooked us dinner and everything. It was sooooooo good. I felt like I should pay him or something. I spent the night at Chris' again, but for some reason, something didnt feel right to me so I guess I got kind of an attitude. We talked about it the next day and you know what he said. He said he thinks its cute and it means that I'm strong-willed because if I think there's something wrong, I'm not just going to sit there and take it. No one has ever put a positive spin on my little attitudes. I'm starting to think more and more everyday that he really is perfect for me. Alright, class is starting soon so I'm out. Last night was a really cool night. I was really productive all day, then went to the movies with Nicole and Becca, then headed over the Chris' and we stayed up for like 2 hours talking. It was great. Those are the times when I feel closest to him, and he says the same thing. Class time...peace

current mood: bouncy

(2 beats | beat on the drum)

Sunday, May 26th, 2002
11:04 pm




take the non-offensive quiz.


and go to mewing.net. laura = great.


That quiz was pretty funny. Mandie, you and I are the same thing, again. Pretty cool. I miss you girl. Sometimes I wish we were attached at the hip. Anyway, I'm at Chris'. He went for a ride in his friend's car so I'm stuck here basically alone. His friend said that soccer sucked today and I totally went off on him. The World Cup starts on May 31st so mark your calendars. I'm excited about it. I'll probably be glued to the TV. I get to play tomorrow, so that should be fun. If I'm not too wasted by then. I think I'm going to a pool party with Mandie. Its something to do with Vibe, so Alex will probably be there which will be interesting. So I finally overdrew on my bank account. After all these years. I'm so fucking pissed off. I cannot believe that I did that. ARGGGGGG. So now I probably have to pay some ridiculous fee. Sucks man. Chris and I are doing really well, atleast from what I can tell. He keeps telling me that he's crazy about me and he told me that he doesnt just say that to anyone. He always says sweet stuff to me which is super cool. I'm starving, I'm thinking about going on some sor of subway run, I dunno. Anyway, thats all for now. I'm a little drunk and surprised I did such a good job typing. Peace.

(1 beat | beat on the drum)

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
10:46 am - Hola

Which Season are you?


Interesting. This will be kind of short because I'm heading to class soon. I dont have a boyfriend anymore. Chris and I broke up for reasons I do not wish to disclose over the internet. I was really upset about it for a couple days, but then we started hanging out again. I really love spending time with him. He still remains perfect in my eyes. We went to see Star Wars and went to dinner last night. He is so cute. I said something about how weird it was that they put butter on my mashed potatos and he was like "do you want new ones?" I told him I thought that was cute and he said he just wanted me to be happy. Awwwww. He also told me that he thinks about me constantly. I doubt he thinks about me more than I think of him though.
I have been so proud of myself since this semester has started. I've really been keeping on top of things, eating right, getting exercise, studying, going to class. I really feel very happy. I'm learing about stuff that I'm so interested in, so its not even like learning. I'm playing soccer again which makes me completely ecstatic. I played on Sunday and pulled my groin and it hurts to walk. Chris threw out his back so we look like two old people hobbling along. Its really funny. Mandie's back in town now which is very cool cuz I always miss her when she's gone. And Su of course is gone. He wrote Mandie an email and I was there when she read it and he didnt send me one so we wrote him back together. I bitched him out for not sending me one. I miss him a lot. Its weird not having him around. I got so drunk on Monday night. Thats the first time I've been out on a Monday night in like a year. It was alright. At the end I was helping Mandie finish her beer and we were standing next to the bar. I had a sweater on and the bartender came over and grabbed my arm to pull my sweater up to see if I had a bracelet. Obviously I didnt so I yanked my arm away. I thought that was really uncool. Chris said if he had been there he would have kicked the guy's ass. I would have liked to see that. Tomorrow is my first real psych clinical where I get to interact with patients. I have to sit in on some alcohol meeting or something and I'm really looking forward to it. And I get to play soccer tomorrow too, if I can run. My left quad is starting to hurt too...ugh.
So life is good for now, I'm probably the happiest I've been in a long time. I hope things stay this way, or even improve for me. Either one of those is fine. Alright, time for class. I guess this didnt turn out to be that short. Oh ya, and Mandie's car really is the shit. Peace.

current mood: complacent

(beat on the drum)

Monday, May 13th, 2002
1:36 pm - Yahoo!
Hola,
I have a boyfriend :) His name is Christopher and he's the nicest, sweetest guy ever. I'm very excited about this relationship. We had a discussion before he went home about the whole bf/gf thing. He doesnt think that it needs to be asked, its just assumed. For the first time we dont agree on something. Anyway, he went home which sucked cuz it was the last week before class started, and he came back yesterday. Oh, and he told his parents about me. I told my parents about him too and my Mom was like "see, they do exist." Thats a good thing since she's liked only one guy I've ever brought home. They havent met him yet so I'm not going to count my chickens before they catch. But for the first time I'm actually excited about my parents meeting a boy. After he got back he took Mandie and I out to dinner. He is so generous. We just hung out at his house the rest of the night and went to bed early like good little children. I think he can actually help me get on a good sleep schedule which I need. When we were laying in bed he asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously I said yes. I was extremely happy. He is so sweet too. He's always complimenting me and he answers all my stupid little girlie questions without one complaint. I've been thinking about him all day and I cant wait to see him tonight. I havent looked this forward to seeing someone in a long time. The only thing that sux is that our schedules are pretty much opposite, but I know we'll work around it somehow. So, YAY!!!!!
Today so far has been a very good day. I am extremely, extremely excited about my classes this summer. The community one is going to be pretty dumb, but hopefully super easy so I can bring that GPA up. Which, by the way is stil as a 3.0!!! I was scared about losing my scholarship cuz I didnt do wonderfully this semester, but I was able to sustain it at that level. I really do need to bring it up though. If I can get a couple A's then I think I can do it. I'm super duper excited about my psych class. I got the book for it and its really something that I would read outside of school. So I might actually sit down and read a book for class for the first time ever. I went home for a bit during the break and everything was great until my Mom made some rude comment and we got in the huge fight and I almost left. But everything is cool now. I like spending time with them, even though compared to most families they are pretty boring. My Mom says they're boring and dont go out and do stuff and have friends because they had to attend and throw so many parties when my Dad was in the army that they are burnt out with that stuff. If only I was financially stable, I would be completely content. Oh, and Mandie and I have started working out and I felt so good later and my muscles are still sore today which a really, really good thing. We completely cancelled everything out by the stuff we did that night, but thats okay. I'm off to my first psych lecture now. Peace

(1 beat | beat on the drum)

Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
2:27 am - Kill me please
Okay. So I have been studying since 8am. And its now, what, 2am. I think that makes a total of 14 hours. Isnt that kind of psycho? Should I be studyng now? Yes. Do I remember anything that I studied? No. I dont even know why I bother. These tests are so impossible it doesnt matter how much you study. She picks the dumbest thing ever to ask questions on and the questions are so ambiguous, every answer is right. I want to die. And I'm starving.
Anyways....I finally met a decent guy. For some reason I seem to attract total losers. Not my three boyfriends, well, maybe they were losers at times, but I'm talking about all the boys in between who dont go to school and are barely hanging onto jobs with no cars and no lives. All I want is a nice boy who goes to school and is a gentleman and likes sports and can put up with me talking all the time and knows how to cook and is fun and smart. Is that really too much to ask for? I was starting to think it was, but now I'm changing my mind. I dont want to jump the gun since we've only been hanging out since Thursday, but I really happy that I've found a decent guy. He has these really pretty blue eyes and he works out so he has a nice body and he's super smart and he even knows how to play texas hold 'em! We played and he totally beat me three times, but I know I'll get him back cuz I know I can beat him. And he's Catholic and goes to mass and everything so automatically my parents will love him. Now that I have a normal relationship with them, my parents liking my boy is actually important to me. And he pays for me!!! And he's so cute about it. Not that it matters or anything....;) Its so great. He's a tradition guy and totally believes what I believe about the guy being the guy and the girl being the girl and doing the girl stuff. He has the nicest apartment I've ever seen, with the nicest furniture and its so clean. And me makes me laugh and smile. And he wants to send his kids to catholic schools too. And I always say thank you when he does stuff for me and he told me to stop, but of course I'm not going to cuz I would never not say thank you. He is so sweet. Today he left me an instant message while I was studying and he said "miss you" at the end. That made me really happy. I havent seen him since Saturday which feels like an eternity for some reason and we get to hang out tomorrow night and I'm really excited about it. I dont think we're going to do anything exciting, but I'm excited anyway (Maybe I should say excited one more time). Yippie!
Suhaib's leaving for 2 months :( What am I going to do???? I hang out with him like everyday. I'm really going to miss him a lot. I dont think I'll realize it until he's actually gone. I wonder if he's really going to miss me. I know he says he will cuz I say I will, but I wonder if he REALLY will. Oh well. If I dont get back to studying I think all the info is going to fall out of my head, so I better go. If I'm still alive tomorrow I'll be surprised. I hate school.

current mood: hungry, tired, annoyed

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Monday, April 22nd, 2002
2:02 pm - OOOOKKKKKK
Alright. So its been like 3 weeks or something since I've written in this thing. So sorry everyone. I've just been so wrapped up in school and work and hangingout and that incredible life that I have. It would be pretty hard to mention all the things that have gone on lately, but I'll try. We'll start with school. I am doing a lot worse than I thought I was and I'm pretty positive that I'm gonna be losing my scholarship this semester. That really sux SO badly because I dont have the money to spend on stupid tuition. And its all because I'm a complete slacker. I could easily be way above the scholarship level, but I was stupid and did no work my first two years, and you would think I would have learned. But I havent and I'm doing a little more work now but not nearly enough. The only way is if I get 100's on my finals which is absolutely impossible. I'm kinda discouraged and feeling kind of depressed about the whole thing cuz I know my parents are going to throw a fit. The only solution to the problem is to grow some self control which I am trying to do but cant seem to accomplish. UGH!
Next is boys. I met this guy Alex who is the brother of the guy who owns/manages Vibe. So he owns a part of it and helps manage it too. Which means I totally have the hook up there which is very cool. He's a cool guy, he's from Miami and he's Cuban so he has the cutest accent. He has nice dimples too. But he's not in school or anything, and doesnt exactly plan to go back I dont think. I have a good time with him, but I think its starting to wear off. NEXT! I just met a guy on Friday while Mandie and I were at Mellow Mushroom. Its the guy who delivers the Budweiser. He was sitting at the bar a couple chairs down from me and I guess he was bored so he bought us a pitcher and we talked for a while. It was fun. He was cute. He has blond hair and blue eyes (I've never even been on a date with someone who has blond hair). He graduated with a degree in cooking (I dont know what the technical term is). Its cool he already has a degree and he just turned 21, but its not exactly the most promising degree. Damn, I hope he never reads this. Ha. Anyways, he asked for my number and he called me yesterday (Sunday) and invited me out to dinner tonight. I'm pretty excited about it since I havent been on a real date in a really, really long time. In fact, I cant even remember the last time I went on a date. We talked for a while last night. I found out he doesnt like green peppers or onions either! I cant wait till he cooks for me since he has a degree in it. Should be interesting...
Okay, now my recent activities. Dave and Vince and all them had a pool party a couple weekends ago, its where I met Alex...it was fun. I had this past weekend off, I dont know how, so me, Mandie and Su went to Ginnie Springs. I had never been there before, so I was excited about it. I had a really good time. The seaweed was pretty gross, but it was still fun. I got SO stoned cuz it was 420, and I drank quite a bit too. I definetly want to go back, and I already have in my head the things I would change and what I would do differently. Hopefully the summer will be full of trips there. There were lots of cute guys - whooo! I think those are all the exciting things. I've gone to Vibe a couple times and I get free whatever I want which is really badass. I've tried some pretty awesome drinks so far. When Mandie and I went on Thursday, Alex hooked us up with Irish Carbombs...that was the end of us. On Saturday night we went to a party at her exboyfriends best friend's house. Some guy that was trying to mack on me started talking about how he shaves his chest and stomach hair. I think all guys should take a class on how to run game. YUCK! He ended up walking around with his shirt off the rest of the night. How nappy. Gavin showed up later. I hadnt seen him in like 6 months. It was interesting. We also saw Ian. I was surpised that he actually held a conversation with me when I said hi to him. He was with his new girlfriend. Mandie is so much better looking. And I'm not saying that just to make her feel better either.
Alright, I think I'm done updating everyone. I have to get back to my paper and write a couple more emails to people I havent talked to in a while. I'll be sure to write more often cuz I want to have this stuff forever to go back and read.
Tell you about my date later...I'm excited :) Peace out.

current mood: flirty

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Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
11:44 pm - Guess thats over...
Well, that kid Steve that I was kinda after basically told me today that I had no chance. Obviously he didnt say it in that way. He said that he loves hanging out with me and stuff but that he's not ready for anything and he doesnt want anyone's feelings to get hurt. I already knew that, I dont know why I trying to fool myself. I've decided the best thing to do is give up on him completely. I'm not even going to really talk to him. If he talks to me, then I'll obviously respond, I'm not going to ignore him, but I'm not going to iniate talking or invite him to anything anymore. Which sux cuz my future roomie is renting out Swamp for her 21st bday party on thursday and i was gonna invite him. Guess not anymore. I'm pretty dissapointed. And I'm pretty sad. Poop on boys once again. I really am going to become a lesbian. :(

current mood: sad

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Monday, April 1st, 2002
7:48 pm - studying...
well, the shift key on this keyboard sux, so im just giving up on it altogether. its hard to adjust from my little keyboard to this bigger one. anyway, me and mandie are "studying" at the library. we were doing really well for about an hour. and then she had to do something on the computer and we got sucked in. i had a pretty boring weekend. i hung out with my new interest, steve. he's a really cute soccer player who's going to be a physical therapist. he has blond hair too, which is something that i strived to look for since ive never dated a guy with blond hair before. we hung out friday and saturday. it was fun. but he just broke up with his girlfriend of like 4 years, so im just taking it easy. ive asked him to hang out the past couple times, so im gonna wait now and see if he makes any sort of move. he doesnt seem like an aggressive kind of guy, i guess we'll see what happens. im not getting my hopes up or anything. yesterday i was feeling kind of depressed. im not really sure why, i think it was a combination of things. mostly school though, cuz i missed a class i was supposed to go to on friday and i know im going to get chewed out for it. but today i sat down and figured out what i need to do to keep my gpa up in order to hold on to me scholarship. i definetly need to work my little butt off. i know that if i put my mind to it, i can do it. i got a 63 on the test i had the week after ultra, but thats pretty much what the class average was. if i can do the class avg with studying for 2 hours, imagine what i can do if i study a lot. im just afraid that i wont do any better and then ill realize that im a complete moron and im never going to make it anywhere. i really am going to try though, cuz i dont want to have to pay any tuition and books. plus, my parents would be very disappointed in me and i dont want that. ive already started reading and stuff, and its really not that bad. the stuff is pretty interesting to me, so that helps. i had a productive day, im proud of myself. i got up and went to class, and we had a quiz so it felt worthwhile. then i went home and did some laundry and some schoolwork and then went for my other class, payed attention the WHOLE time, went to eat, and now im at the library. i plan on working out too, that will make it the ultimate productive day. its making me feel really good about myself, so if i can just remember this feeling and stay motivated, i think i may be on my way to happiness. and i need to just forget about guys altogether and focus on the things that are really important. if things are going to happen, then they will happen. i just need to let things fall nicely into place. alright, we're leaving soon and i need to get back to reading about pyelonephritis. peace.

current mood: complacent

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Thursday, March 28th, 2002
8:01 pm - The Ultra Entry
Whats up homeslices? As you all very well know, I went to Ultra this past weekend. It was probably the most amazing experience I've ever had. I've told the story a million times, but I suppose I need to tell it again so I can have it written forever. We got there a little later than I wanted to, but thats okay. We parked fairly close, so that was cool. We waited in the long ass line to get in and when we did get in we got one of the nifty line-up things. Carl Cox was on, so we headed over to the big ampitheater to catch him. He played the pills songs thats on Dave P's CD. I was thrilled to hear a song a knew. I've seen him three times, and that was the best set I've ever heard him spin. Even Su was dancing! After him we headed over to where Del was supposed to be, but he wasnt there. So we got water and headed over to the bathroom. Crystal Method was on, I'm sad that I missed a lot of their set, but they spun Get Busy Child and The Name of the Game while I was there. It was awesome. One of the guys was picking up the keyboard and he threw it down...they just did a really good job. After that Sander Kleinenberg spun. I had wanted to see him for a long time so I was excited. He did a good job. Oakey was on after that. I wasnt too keen on seeing him cuz I've seen him like a million times and I havent been too impressed with him. But we stuck around and he also spun the best set I've ever heard him spin. He spun #3 on Tranceport. That made me so happy. It was great to hear him spin a song that I used to listen to every single day. Nothing makes me happier than hearing a DJ spin a song that I know. For some reason, it makes me feel like all my effort in seeking out songs and listening to them and being so into the music is being paid off. It means the world to me. After Oakey, Acosta came on and we went off to get water and hit the potties again. When I say we I'm mostly talking about me and Su. We lost Russ for a bit and Ant went to listen to jungle for a bit too. I had such a good time with Su. Because he loves the music like I do and he knows the songs I know and I love it cuz he loves it too. Next was BT. Oh, BT. The DJ I've been waiting to see for over 3 years. He didnt do a live PA which I would have loved, but it was wonderful to see him spin. I had been hearing trance all night and he threw down some amazing breaks. I was so happy. And the best part of the whole entire night....BT played Godspeed. Godspeed is probably my favorite song that he has written. And I, me, Stephanie, actually got to see him play it. The most incredible feeling ever. When Su and I heard it, we ran to the middle and he put me up on his shoulders. And right at the best part of the song, BT threw up his arms, and there I was, right in the middle, almost eye to eye with him. I even saw the expression on his face. I almost cried it was so magical. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. Even if I stop listening to electronic music, which I dont see happening, I will always keep that song around on some CD or something. BT also played Rapture, the song on PVD's Politics of Dancing. That was nice too. When BT finished up, Tiesto came on. When I saw him in Orlando, he spun a better set, but it was still pretty good. And last, but certainly not least, mr. PVD. He was amazing, as always. I would see him again and again and again. He gets the crowd growing like no one I've ever seen. And nothing is more incredible than watching 10,000 people go insane for this amazing song that you're going insane for too. Thats why I love raves so much. Its the energy and the people and the dancing and the lights and the music. I would go to a rave everyday if I could. I already decided I'm going again next year. They played some other songs I knew, but I dont know the name of them. It was so great. And I know that Ultra was one of the last times I was going to get to hang out with Ant. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm so glad he was there. I just wish he hadnt been sleeping at the end...but thats Ant for ya. And Su and I were having the best time with our Steve game annoying the shit out of everyone else. It's probably the funniest thing I've made up fucked up. This is for you Steve: Hey steve, steve's steve'in up the stevers with the steves. Look! Steve's steve'in it up with the steves on the steves, steve. HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's still funny. And only Su knows what I'm talking about, and I love it. Thanks to Russ for driving, and we were looking for you! And Mandie, I really wish you were there, it would have made the whole thing perfect. But, it still was... AMAZING.

current mood: missing Ultra

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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
12:20 am - Its about time..
Coutndown to Ultra: 4 DAYS!
Hola,

Well, here I am again. Finally writing in my journal again. Everyday I think of things to write, but I never get around to doing it. I'm such a busy body...Anyways, Ultra is only four days away and I dont think I can wait any longer. Especially since I have a really busy day tomorrow and Thursday. Both days are going to be hell. I should be in bed right now, but I figured I should put something in here since I've been neglecting it.

I went back and read all the friend entries that I hadnt seen. I didnt realize that I upset Ant so much, and I'm really sorry for that. Sometimes people dont feel like talking, and Ant has done it to me before too. I guess he must have had a bad day or something to freak out about something like that. He made it sound way worse than it really was. So I'm apologizing. Anthony, I really do love you.

Today I decided to lay out. I didnt wear sunblock on my stomach, only on my face and my shoulders. Well, that wasnt too great of a decision. My stomach is now really red. It doesnt hurt yet, but I have a feeling it will. I hope I'm okay for Ultra. I know I'll get burnt there more too. WHOO HOO!
I really miss Mandie. I havent gotten to hang out with her in forever and she's like my best friend. And its going to be a while before I really get to hang out with her again. Oh well. Guess you have to take what you can get.

My allergies are going absolutely crazy because of the pollen and I cant take it. I have been blowing my nose every five seconds and I'm so annoyed. I shouldnt be outside either cuz it totally aggravates the condition, but I love it outside. I love to feel the sun, it makes me feel good. Some parts of life suck.

There were a whole lot of things I wanted to say but for some reason they have completely slipped my mind. I keep getting more and more exicted about Ultra, but because of my level of excitement, I'm starting to have the feeling that something is going to happen that is going to prevent me from having as much fun as I plan on having. Whenever I get super-duper excited about something, something always fucks it up...without fail. I'm just hoping nothing serious goes wrong.

I'm watching David Letterman and there is this kid who looks like he's about 7 or 8 and he is playing this amazing song that he wrote on the piano. I wish you could hear it. He is a genius. This is really incredible. You should watch his little nimble fingers move across the keyboard. Geez, I cant get over this. Wow.

I guess I'm off to bed. I'm not feeling well for some reason. Not really physically, just mentally. I just dont feel happy. I hope it goes away. Night.

current mood: pessimistic

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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
12:43 am
Countdown to Ulra: 10 Days
Took Mandie's advice (this is the authentic, real convo): g8rnurse4242: wanna cyber
SmarterChild: Um... I'm afraid I don't see how that would work out.
g8rnurse4242: i want to cyber with you
SmarterChild: Get real!
g8rnurse4242: but
SmarterChild: But? What about it?
g8rnurse4242: im hot
SmarterChild: Great. Thanks for sharing that.
g8rnurse4242: wanna cyber
SmarterChild: I'm sorry. I'm not attracted to human beings.
g8rnurse4242: can we cyber now?
SmarterChild: Sorry, not interested...
I guess I'm going to bed now. Its only 1230, but my friends are boring and a couple dont want to hang out with me. I dunno. I hate how my mood so quickly gets determined by how many people call me in a day and by how if I have someone to hang out with or not. I'm a dork who longs for attention I guess. I had a pretty productive day. I went to class and then came home and layed out. Then I went to go study and then went to drop off some flyers for Dave P. and then went to hang out with Su. He's finally getting a car and I'm so happy for him. He really needs one. I think that will finally make his life complete. I've been hanging out with him almost everyday lately. We dont really say much, atleast we dont talk as much as me and some of my other friends do, but we connect on this level...its weird. Tonight I called Russ to ask if he wanted to go to a movie with me and Su. Turns out he already had plans to go to a movie with Liz. For all of you who dont know, which is pretty much all of you, Liz is the girl that Russ cheated on his last girlfriend with. And she's like this perfect girl for him that he's never stopped liking, wanting to be with, or stopped being attracted to. So, of course, I get worried. I mean, we're not together, so I really dont have a right to be worried or anything, but he has promised me a million times that he would never get with her or hook up with her. And I told him that if he ever hooked up with her, that would be it. Oh well, I guess we'll have to see. But anyway, he havent hung out or really gotten a chance to talk and I kinda wanted to. I called him and he told me that he would make me dinner and stuff, before he went out with Liz of course. So once again I get the second place as I always have with him. I guess he felt bad or something. So I told him that I didnt want dinner and so, not to any surprise of mine, he turns around and makes plans with dinner with Liz instead. Huh. I know I'm probably overreacting, and now I'm drunk so I dont really care about what I'm saying. And now Dave is being a total asshole. ARG. I hate boys. HATE. Fuck them all.

current mood: enraged

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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
11:55 pm - *yawn*
Quote of the Day: "Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money." - Robin Williams
Countdown to Ultra: 11 Days
Hi,

I'm pretty tired so this will be kinda short. I just wanna be a good girl and keep up with my entries. Today I basically drove Dave P around and helped paint the new club, Vibe. Its going to be awesome. The opening night is Saturday. It promises to be fun. And since I helped paint, I'll get in free anytime I want to go. Pretty sweet deal. Tomorrow I have class again. Its hard to get into this school routine when I keep having all these days off. I guess I need to snap into it though. Oh well. I'm off to bed. Peace.

current mood: tired

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Monday, March 11th, 2002
8:33 pm - YES!
Quote of the Day: "Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella
Countdown to Ultra: 12 Days

Hi all :) Today sucked at first cuz I missed class cuz my alarm didnt go off. I was pissed cuz I actually did want to go to class, amazingly enough. We had a quiz and I missed it, so that sux. I had class at 3pm and I went to that and I payed attention the WHOLE time. Not even once did I stop to write a note or anything. I was so proud of myself. Teresa invited me to go to Swamp tonight with her and Nicole S. and some other people cuz we dont have class tomorrow. The people who license the nursing school are coming to watch the classes and stuff, so our class got moved to Wednesday. Whoo hoo! The first day back from spring break and I'm already partying. Time to go find me a frat boy. Alright! I heard this really dorky cheesy song on the radio, because the radio just HAPPENED to be on, not by my choice. Anyway, I'm sure you've all heard it, its that Cant get you out of my head song. Its so catchy, but its so cheesy! I'm admitting to everyone now that I've fallen for it. Alright, I'm on my way to Nicole's for the pre-drinking. Dont you just love my quote? I thought it was appropriate. PEACE!

current mood: bouncy

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Sunday, March 10th, 2002
5:44 pm
Quote of the Day: " A little experience often upsets a lot of theory." - Anonymous
Countdown till Ultra: 13 Days
YAY! The World Cup is this year :) It's in Japan and Korea so I guess I dont really have a chance of going. One of my life goals is to go to a World Cup soccer game. Going to an Olympic soccer game would probably be pretty cool too. I'm trying to split up this Hybrid set I found that I'm pretty excited about, but this stupid program isnt working. Bleh. I skipped work today, I'm a bad girl. I really should have gone. I need to become a lot more responsible than I am. I think I should make that a belated new years resolution. No more skipping work or school. Especially not school cuz I need to bring my GPA so I wont lose my scholarship. All these soccer guys are really hot. I need to find me a soccer boy. Thats what I've always really wanted anyway. A smart guy who's good at soccer, likes my music, is hot, funny, and knows how to have fun. I like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners....so send your applications to...haha. Wouldnt that be funny, using live journal as a dating service. Anyway, I'm feeling lazy and unproductive cuz I slacked today. I hate this feeling. It's really not worth it, but I seem to forget that when I'm laying in bed at 7am. I should put a big sign up or something. I'm pretty bored and I guess I could clean my room and feel a little productive, but I cant get motivated. Poop. I think I'm going to go fold some laundry and watch some more soccer and listen to some more music. Peace.

current mood: blah

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Saturday, March 9th, 2002
6:46 pm - Work Sux
Hi,

Whats up? I hate my job. I want to get another one so badly, but it just seems like so much effort. I guess if I really hated it that much, I'd be more motivated to change things. Its not bad when I get to work the service desk, I just hate cashiering. Anyways, I'm really tired cuz I stayed up late last night and had to get up early and work all day. And the rest of my spring break weekend is ruined too cuz I have to work ALL day tomorrow. BLEH! Visiting my family in Tampa was pretty cool. I'm glad I made the decision to do that instead of going to the beach, for a number of reasons. I got some clothes, that was really cool. And my parents have high speed internet thats faster than mine, so I downloaded a shitload of new Hybrid stuff that I'm really excited about it. I havent gotten to listen to it yet, I'm starting now. So far it all sounds good, but I'm not surprised...a lot of cool vocal stuff.
Okay, so, the only reason I'm not completely freaking out right now is because I'm so exhausted. I did freak out a bit yesterday, I know it'll just get worse as it gets closer. I hope Ant reads this today cuz I cant wait till he finds out. Guess who has Ultra tix.....2 of them....for March 23rd.....PVD, BT, Crystal Method, Roni Size, Goldie, Tiesto, do I need to keep going? Who's FUCKING GOING!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!! I am so excited. And honestly, it wouldnt be the same without my Ant-dog and thats why I have his ticket sitting in my car glove compartment right now. I hope we have an even better time than we did last year. No falling asleep during PVD this time Ant!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!! Thats the only thing thats going to keep me motivated to study and work, knowing that I have that reward coming, and knowing that I have to earn back all the money I'm gonna spend.
So, I think I need to stop judging people's feelings for me based on how they react to certain situations. It always seems like if someone doesnt react towards me the way I would react towards them in that situation, I feel like my feelings are more than that person's and it stings me. I'm too sensitive. I got a hair straightner today, I'm kinda exicted about seeing how that works. I always like having new toys. I also need to try and figure out the hotel room situation cuz we probably need to start making reservations now. And I wanna split up a couple of the Hybrid sets on downloaded so I can get them on cd.
I miss Mandie a lot. She's in the Keys right now living it up, while I'm here working my butt off. And she's not coming to Ultra. :( Oh well, maybe next year. Ant, call me or im me or email me as soon as you get this cuz I wanna know that you found out and there are a couple other things we need to discuss. Thanks to Russ, we're going to be on our way exactly two weeks from today. Exactly two weeks from right now I will be dancing my little butt off to, um, we'll say Tiesto. WHOOOO! Okay, time to try and be productive.

current mood: excited

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